Another morning here in downtown L.A. I’ve learned a lot the past couple of days. Driving around, thrift shopping through the city. We even went to a flea market off Melrose yesterday (could you believe it was pretty pricey?) There are a few things I’m taking in still about my stay here, one thing that is obvious is how different everything is. When you travel coast to coast its like you’re in a different world. Everything functions differently. For me, it’s the freaking parking that gets me. I’m sure it’s like this in all big cities. This has been such an interesting hill to climb since we got here. It’s amazing to me how hard it is to find free parking, yet nothing in L.A. is walkable. I know there’s public transportation available, but it’s nothing like New York or Boston even. So, as I’m driving around I’m thinking about how it would feel to live here. I guess if you were raised here you wouldn’t know any different. You’d be used to it. If you moved here you’d learn like everyone else has to. I’m thinking about it in this way because this is where my son says he wants to be. And before we came here we had a plan. Come out to visit, see if you like it. If you do, we’ll take the next couple years, save money. Prepare to move across the country. On a fantastic road trip. Doesn’t that sound lovely?
Maybe I’m just a dreamer, and the realistic side of me is asking myself if I’d fit in here. If this is really where I’d want to be. I’ve wanted to move for so long, I’ve been stuck in my hometown my whole life. Since I had my son young and his father lived there I had to stay at least until he was 18. I played around with the idea of moving off and on for years, eventually nothing stuck, so I bought a house, and I settled in walking distance from where I grew up. The thing is I’ve never wanted to stay there forever, I’ve been dying to move away my whole life. Now that it’s almost here I feel a little paralyzed. I worked so hard to build what I have now. I have a beautiful house, that’s affordable, I’m comfortable. It’s the perfect spot for my dog. It’s a cute little neighborhood. It’s safe for the most part. I guess the older I get the less I feel I need to get out.
The thing is I’ve always wanted my son to be able to follow his dreams. I never felt like I had that opportunity having him at 18. I had to get it together and become an adult right away. I want him to be able to explore his art, try to make a living from that. From doing what he loves. And I could see how doing that here makes sense as opposed to where we’re from. Plus the weather is much nicer I’ll give him that.
I think about leaving everything that’s comfortable to me. Everyone I’ve ever known. But the thing is I barely talk to anyone anymore. Sure, I talk to my sons father, I have one good friend, an uncle about a half hour away I rarely see. I’d be losing that. What would I gain? Would it be easy to meet people? Would I be lonelier out here than where I am already? Would I be more inclined to go out and meet people, or would I stay home like I do normally? I don’t really know, but what I do know is moving doesn’t really solve your problems. Maybe it’s not a problem with other people but it’s a problem with me. Maybe this has been eye opening in the sense that overall it’s time for me to start living again. Whatever that means to me.
The Girl Without A Face 