I woke up early this morning and found a quiet corner with a coffee to check my work laptop, write this blog, reflect. I’m going to go back upstairs and workout before I shower and get ready for our trek to Los Angeles. I’m ready to leave Las Vegas, isn’t that a movie? There were so many ups and downs, but the downs were just what is affecting me psychologically.
Last night my son and I decided to drive to the old strip, well I decided. I remember going years ago when I was a different version of myself. Young and carefree, definitely drunk. I remember it being fun. Now with different eyes I watch my son walk down Freemont Street and I can tell something is wrong, although he panics much different than me. He shuts down almost in a freeze like state, for me I feel like I need to escape immediately. Him and I both suffer with anxiety, it is just triggered by different things. On different days, in different ways, and I would say just recently I started having open conversations about it with him.
So I could tell something was wrong and inside that started to make me panic slightly, so we stopped and got our bearings. He suggested going to get a souvenir and we did and in the store we talked a bit about what happened back there. I asked him how it feels in his body when he has anxiety, is it in his stomach? Does his heart start fluttering? Surprisingly he said he just feels kind of blank, just a bit out of it. Not good or bad, just not really aware of what’s happening around him.
I found that so interesting, and I was happy he felt instantly better. I mean the area we were in was much rougher than I remembered. And I drove there and parked in a parking garage, and it was just him and I, I could see why he would be a little nervous I don’t think it was the safest place to go walking at night. So we left and went to go get dinner and had a nice time, I actually didn’t have anxiety at all, for the whole day, so we decided to celebrate by going on the highest observation tower in the world. The High Roller goes 550 feet in the air, and as we were walking towards it I felt nothing but calm energy. Sure, there were a few warning signs, “Do not ride if you have a fear of heights”, but I thought, “I’m fine”. I just want to have a good time. I want my son to have a good time. And I don’t want to be limited by my fear of everything.
On the way up I was fine. I was standing, I felt calm. I was taking pictures. But when the countdown started I could feel myself start to panic and I had to sit down. The countdown letting us know that we reached the top. In my head it was, “There is no turning back, you can’t get off. What if you pass out. What if you can’t get out”. My body started to react, I started to sweat. I tried to silently talk myself through it. As we slowly lowered to the ground I started to slowly feel better as well. We were on the ride for 23 minutes in total. When I got down I was honestly exhausted, we started walking back and on the way to the hotel we watched someone have an emergency in the street. It looked like an overdose of some sort. I’m sure it happens all the time here. I felt very calm but also kind of upset with myself as we walked back to the hotel. I was really pretty quiet the whole way and just let my son know I was tired and I looked at my phone for a bit before I went to sleep.
What I had to look up was all the phobias. I need to understand what I am fighting here. So I thought, did I form agoraphobia maybe? Well, it would have to be a mild case since I made it here. Then I landed on panic disorder. That actually seems very fitting to be honest, I have frequent panic attacks that feel like there is an impending sense of doom. Yes, that sounds about right. I was thinking how I needed to expose myself to these things again, but it feels like im starting from scratch and that’s frustrating. I remember doing these things before and having slight anxiety but not full blown panic attacks. Then I realized my father always had them as well. No wonder why he drinks so much. As I was looking it up of course I also looked at the effects of long term anxiety on health. It said something about it effecting or weakening the heart and I found that extremely interesting. All the men on my fathers side have had heart issues very young dating back as long as I know. I wonder if they all had panic attacks just like me and my father? It isn’t something that anyone would have ever talked about. Its not something my dad has ever admitted, just something I’ve witnessed first hand as his daughter.
So as I was falling asleep I found this piece of information interesting. What I’m fighting here is genetics, something I can’t really help or change unfortunately. It’s part of who I am, I can only learn how to cope with it through exposure therapy. Which is exactly what I’m doing. I knew that’s what I needed to do without the internet telling me that’s what was needed to conquer my anxiety. I just found it so interesting that something like that could be passed down in families. Maybe I should apologize to my son this morning. After all, he is just like me.
The Girl Without A Face 