We decided to have a more relaxed day today which has been so much needed. Yesterday we fit in so many things. I worked out as soon as I woke up, we went to get breakfast, went out to rent our car, thrift shopped, went to the pool, walked to get crazy milkshakes, went to a show. We were exhausted, and I mean exhausted by the time we got back to the hotel. Not to mention it was 104 degrees outside yesterday. Much hotter than I’m used to that’s for sure.
Over the past few days since we’ve been here I’ve had sporadic panic attacks that I’ve tried to become curious about. Where are they coming from? What am I so anxious about? I have found a few answers so I’m trying to apply solutions today moving forward. I know I likely will not be perfect for the rest of the trip, but I’m going to do my best to stay calm and enjoy it. I feel like I’ve moved through so many of the worst case scenarios in my head. Really that’s what it comes down to. What if I have a medical emergency? What would my son do? What if the rental car gets towed? Who would I call to retrieve it? What if I pass out from the heat? What if I get sick today and can’t drive to LA? What if I get sick on the Rollercoasters my son plans on dragging me on on Thursday?
What if. What if. What if. That’s all anxiety is. Scenarios of the possibilities of things that haven’t happened yet. So today I listened to my body, the past few days although enjoyable have almost felt like a fight sometimes. A fight with myself that is. And I’d like to enjoy myself while I’m here. That’s the whole point of a vacation after all. So instead of pushing myself to drive to the Grand Canyon and back today, I decided to say, “What about a relaxed pool day”? My son was happy with that. Then tonight we’ll check out the old strip, maybe zipline over the crowd at night. This has given me time to process, to check my work laptop. To send a voice memo to my sister, let her know about the creepy guy that tried to pick us up at the airport. To write this post out, which always allows me to better understand myself. To breathe. To take in and enjoy the fact that I’m on vacation. I don’t need to stress myself out. I don’t need to worry about money right now, or what could happen. I need to learn to enjoy the moment, maybe thats the ultimate lesson.
When I was younger I was much more carefree, maybe because I was masking my anxiety at the time. I’m learning to enjoy myself and manage my anxiety completely sober. I never learned how to do this properly before. It is so important for me to sit and reflect in the moment like this. There is still so much vacation left for me to enjoy. I spent so much time over the past two years not living, I feel like this trip is like ripping the bandaid off. Showing me there’s a world out there to experience. I need to actually do things instead of always dreaming about them.
At the end of the day I love thrills, experiences, driving through new territory. Showing myself I can do anything I put my mind to. Showing my son the beauty of travel. I had been doing this for so long until I hit a major roadblock two years ago with my mental breakdown. There are so many feelings coming up as I get back to trusting myself. This shows me that I can do it. There’s nothing to worry about at the end of the day, it will be ok. Maybe I shouldn’t take life so seriously.
The Girl Without A Face 