Finally. Finally we are sitting at the gate, in the airport. An hour to spare until we take off. What a morning its been. Both good and bad. Mostly good, growth in the spots that triggered my panic. I’m trying to work on the worry, I’m trying to work through feeling like I have no one to lean on. Today was a great example that showed me that even though it might not look traditional, that I do have a couple people I can call if I really needed to. That’s really all someone needs after all. It is scary, terrifying actually, to think about not having anyone at all. Not one soul. I could see so clearly how that could happen in an instant. That’s why I don’t take support for granted. I know it’s not always there. It can be taken away any second. Any help you receive along the way is a blessing.
Its funny that the dog drop off did not go smoothly, it’s almost like I knew that would be the thing that would throw me off this morning. It wasn’t that he was sick and couldn’t go to the pet hotel, everything was working as it normally would as I drove to drop him off like I always do when we go away. When I walked in, the clerk instantly asked me for his vaccination papers. “Well I don’t have them”, I said. They’ve never needed them before. In fact, I specifically remember going away in February and getting them printed off and not having to show them at all. Figuring it was a waste of time I just didn’t bother with it at all. She looked back at me with blank eyes, “He can’t stay with us unless you have them. Don’t you have someone at home that can take a picture of the updated papers and send them to you”. This sent me into a panic. It was what I had anticipated all along. I said, “I don’t have any family here. I have to get on a plane. I don’t understand. Can’t you call them”?. So she did. She looks back at me unimpressed, “Lines busy”, she says. I start to panic. Feeling it rise in my chest. Dogs are barking all around me yet I feel like my world’s closing in. I try to pull up the number on my phone and call. Busy signal. I call again, and again, and again. My dog is 100 pounds and he is pacing, pulling. Not understanding what were doing. I have one hand free. Carrying my wallet, keys, his toys. I’m on the phone with a busy signal desperate to get through. It feels like I was placed in hell. I feel the panic attack start to roll through me, I sit down in the chair. Tears start to rise in my eyes, my dog notices and comforts me. Someone finally answers but they immediately put me on hold. I try to breathe through it, but my mind is racing through all the possible outcomes. How can I fix this? What can I do? Please God answer. Please. Please. I hang up after staying on hold for 10 minutes, I try again. I ask her to call. She still looks unimpressed. “Busy”, she says. I’m desperate to get through. I’ve now been waiting 20 minutes and I wasn’t planning for this detour. I still have to finish packing, is my son awake? What else do I need? Is my dog still sick? I can’t breathe. Someone on the other end finally answers and starts to put me on hold again, but I desperately say through tears, “Please, please I need help. I need to get on a plane and the hotel needs my dogs papers”. She was so sweet and calm on the other end. “Of course”, she said. “It’s ok, just one moment”. She so quickly verified my information and got it over to me. I could finally start to breathe again, but I wasn’t done with the clerk behind the counter. She said, “You know you probably didn’t hear me before, but there’s a new strain of kennel cough going around. If he gets it you’ll have to come get him”. I said, “What? I’ll be gone”. “Well you don’t have any family right”, her condescending tone continued, “Well have to verify your emergency contacts then”. I continued to panic. She continued, “Also, just so you know, if he has an emergency in the middle of the night we have to take him to a vet an hour away now. The one next door closed down”. I can’t make this up. At this point my mouth was hanging open. All I could say was, “I’m sorry what”? I’ve never had this experience here before, trust me I never will be back again. After all of that I just said, “I guess we’ll just have to deal with a nightmare if that happens”. Her last words to me were, “Try to enjoy your trip”! I walked out of the pet store so incredibly upset.
I tried to call my best friend, her phone went instantly to voice-mail. I just have to work this out with myself for a minute. And thats what I did. On my own I came to the conclusion that what the woman said behind the counter was uncalled for even though I got noticeably upset. I understand a lot of people may not understand what it’s like to not have a safety net. It’s something I’ve been trying to work through and heal for the past several months, weeks especially, but the lack of compassion was upsetting and adding to my worst case scenario thought process just seemed cruel on her part. But this world can be cruel, and so can the people in it.
So I took 15 minutes to work this out with myself, to breathe, to calm down a bit. Tell myself everything would be ok. Then I called my friend again, this time she answered. I told her everything and she was so incredibly comforting. She gave me solutions, let me know she would be there. Everything would be ok. Came up with a plan with me on the phone. I teared up while in the store buying last minute sunscreen. Then I felt more confident as I got home, started packing. I got a ride to the airport from none other than my son’s father. We’ve had a sorted relationship, is that the term for it? But he tries I suppose. And he let me know that if anything happened he would be there. Even though he isn’t day to day I do believe him. And that feels good.
So the point is I needed to be triggered today for some reason. I hope everything goes off without a hitch, I hope the dog stays healthy, has a great stay, no one gets a call, we don’t have to worry about plan b. But I will take this experience and say that I needed to acknowledge that I do have people. I do have support, real support. And it may not be traditional. And it may not be there in my face all the time. Kissing me goodnight. Or telling me they’re proud of me. But when push comes to shove I’m ok. I’ll be ok. I have enough. And that is so much. What I’m trying to say is at the end of the day I am so grateful. I am so blessed for all that I have.
Now I get to leave for vacation, just me and my son. Worry free, knowing I have people back home that got me if while I’m gone my life falls apart. Life is good at the end of the day.
The Girl Without A Face 