My son and I leave to go on vacation in two days. Something we started planning six months ago, our biggest vacation in about three years. First time on a plane since the pandemic. And I’m mostly excited. Except last night the dog had an accident. He’s been having them periodically in the house, which isn’t like him, so I worry somethings wrong. I’ve looked it up, tried changing his food, but every once in awhile it still happens. Since it happened last night I started to panic. My brain goes to the worst case scenario, I have to plan for it. The pet hotel won’t take him because of this so now on to plan b, but what would that look like? In my head I’ve already had a conversation with them, letting them know we have to get on a plane. That I have no family. To please help us, I need someone to watch the dog so we can go on this trip we’ve planned for months. It’s a feeling I’ve felt before, many times, but its a feeling that is hard to describe. It almost feels like your flailing, alone in deep water, looking everywhere for someone to throw you a life raft, but no one is there.
I know this sounds dramatic, especially since I’m referring to a made up scenario in my head. One that likely would not disqualify my dog from staying in the pet hotel while we’re gone. But the sense of panic and helplessness it provokes feels real. I want to escape my skin, I want to come up with a plan, I want someone to just be there. But there is no one to rely on. I suppose this is how it feels when you have to mourn your living family. Desperate for support yet searching around to find nothing.
Could I ask certain people for help if I was truly in a bind? Probably. But it would have to be under extreme circumstances for me to be that vulnerable. Something like this where we were being prevented from leaving on a trip that I’ve already pre-planned and paid for. The thought of it gives me shivers down my spine. I don’t want to be in that type of debt to anyone. That’s what I was taught would happen if you asked for help. It was then used against you to remind you how weak you are.
So I sit here and tell myself, just two more days. Once I drop him off everything will be ok. Is this me redirecting my anxiety? Probably. Another thing I was always told was how I couldn’t do anything. Anything I would try would be put down, so over time the narrative in my head I would fight would be “I can’t”. I’d be battling myself to tell me that I can. This morning I thought about how five years ago I had gotten in really good shape. Was teaching a lot of fitness classes, looked great. I remember my mom told me that she thought I was peaking. I remember that sticking in my head. It was almost like telling me you’ll never get better than this so don’t even try. She had a way of knocking me down if I was on an upward trajectory. I allowed it to effect me tremendously.
My mom also controlled every trip I went on as an adult. If she wasn’t physically going she had to be extremely involved. Tell me with such strong conviction why I shouldn’t go here or there. How dangerous this was, etc, etc. Yet she could live in South America for six months on a whim no questions asked. She even told my sister when I planned this trip that she didnt believe I’d be able to follow through with it. That’s how little faith she has in me. Even though I’ve traveled to different countries, across the ocean, I’ve driven 15 hours by myself without stopping. All of that is forgotten apparently just for her to get to me. Into my psyche. To try to tear me down. That’s how badly she wants to control me, I hate to say it’s a battle she almost won.
So as I sit here with the clock running low, the extremes of worst case scenario are what I have to run through after what I’ve been through. Because I know I need to work through it on my own. Because I know that the one person who should be my biggest cheerleader is betting on my downfall. Its the painful truth. And one I’ll have to learn to live with. But my biggest revenge is silently proving her wrong.
The Girl Without A Face 