If you’ve been reading along on this blog then you might already realize that my brain works in mysterious ways. What is funny to me is sometimes even I don’t fully understand what my brain is trying to tell me until I contemplate it further. I will get a quote that pops up, words that I know I’ve heard before. Not really sure of the origin so I have to look into it further to understand why it’s coming up now. This is the beauty of listening. It can be magical. You learn so much when you are curious, when you pay attention. When you ask questions.
This morning as I opened my eyes the quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy” came in my head so strongly. “Ok….”, I thought. “Can I at least get my coffee”? I was still a little tired as I drank coffee this morning, and I still had a long voice memo to listen and respond to from my sister that she sent yesterday. We’ve been talking about relationships, specifically romantic ones. We are both single, she is nearing 40, and as you may already know I am 35. Throughout our 20’s we both handled relationships very differently, but one commonality that surprised me I found out yesterday. We both abandoned ourselves in different ways. We learned this behavior in childhood. Now, my sister is currently dating and I am not. I am viewing finding a partner very differently than her. But I do not judge her for how she is going about it. The problem is there is a cycle I can spot from afar. Meet someone, date them briefly, break up, meet someone new the next day. There is something there in a blind spot would be my guess. I’m sure that is frustrating for her. The old me would want to fix this, be frustrated if she didn’t listen. But I’m not attached to the outcome in that way. I’m on my own journey. I also don’t judge her at all for her choices, who am I to say what’s right or wrong anyways? So I respond curiously. And to my surprise as I listen to her response she thanks me for my insightful questions. I was actually worried I would offend her. I was silenced for so long I was scared to be myself. Whoever that was. I then proceed to the gym, by myself this morning. But first, my friend texted me and of all things thanked me for being her gym partner even though she needed to skip today. I drove to the gym smiling. I started my workout in my own world and I noticed how much easier my runs have gotten. I’ve increased the time, I’m no longer in pain, I can feel my stride improving. The last two minutes I had to motivate myself in my head, “Keep pushing, just two minutes left, you got this, finish strong”, I said silently to myself. I left feeling great. I went to the grocery store to pick up items for smoothies, my son wanted them yesterday but we needed a couple things. As I pulled into the parking lot I thought about how a year ago it was so difficult for me to go to the store. Especially alone. I could only go once a week. I was weak mentally at the time. I felt so confident as I walked in to pick up my two items, went to the self-checkout, paid, walked out. There were no anxious thoughts, no worry about anyone looking at me, no panic. Just ease. Peace. I started to drive home and it’s a beautiful sunny day. I was thinking about how in less than a week me and my son get to get on a plane. Go on a vacation we started to plan six months ago. The first one I’ve taken in my life where I’m in complete control. Then I pulled in my driveway and the quote came back again, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. Ok I guess it’s time to look into it.
What is interesting to me is that it was said by Theodore Roosevelt, something I just learned today. It isn’t necessarily a quote that I’ve heard in awhile, or one that I use in my day to day. But it says that whether you think you are superior or inferior it really doesn’t matter, really either will steal your ability to be content with yourself. I found that so interesting. And so oddly true. The only person you should be invested in changing or improving is you.
The Girl Without A Face 