My moms abuse is insidious. That word popped in my head this morning, to describe the feeling, and the description fit perfectly. Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way but with harmful effects. Treacherous; crafty. Once you see it you can’t unsee it. Once you escape you can’t turn back. But when it’s your parent and not a partner it’s an interesting dynamic that’s presented to you when they try to get back inside your head.
See she started grooming me as soon as I was born. I have no memories of her hugging me or cuddling me. Telling me “I love you”. It was just me knowing I had to protect her, fix her, help her. It was me learning about her abuse. Learning to always put her first. It was cleaning for hours yet somehow it never ever being quite right. It was every unique thing about me being disgusting in her eyes. I was taught to people please, I was taught to feel deep shame. To constantly feel guilty. Hell, there were times I felt I took up too much space for even existing.
So let’s get to this example. It’s so small you may not catch it if you aren’t trained in the art of psychological abuse and control. About a year ago I stopped calling my mom. It was always expected of me to call her, but after my breakdown she would be nasty to me. Tell me to shake it off, it can’t be that hard. I would end the call feeling terrible about myself, and I knew with that and what she had said to me when I was at my absolute lowest that she was a big part of the problem. So I took a step back. Well, as you can guess she didn’t like that. I started receiving the, “You never calllllllll me anymore”, in a tone that could only provoke guilt if you weren’t paying attention. This time it didn’t. I physically couldn’t call her. Quite frankly her behavior was making me sick. So I didn’t. I said back, “You can call me anytime you want”. She didn’t like that. She didn’t call, but a few months later I received a passive aggressive email about three paragraphs long. More or less making assumptions about why I haven’t called. I texted my mom, “What was that email about”? I can’t remember who called who that time but either way we talked and I said, “You can call me anytime. If I don’t answer I’ll call you back when I have a chance”. She never did. Not once. I called her a couple times throughout the next several months, I was doing a lot of healing work with the abuse from my childhood silently on my own. I really didn’t feel like calling her to be honest. There were things that had resurfaced that I had forgotten, things she did to me I hadn’t thought about in years. Now I was putting it all together for the first time. I was mind blown she could do what she did and still act like this.
To be honest as I was healing I was able to emotionally detach. Heal my codependency to her silently. She didn’t even realize I was doing that. So every time she would say something to try to make me feel guilty it was helpful to my growth if she triggered me. There was no way she could have realized the growth in me through the phone. I felt like a reverse villain in my own story.
So then comes Mothers Day, and without too much detail, the same story plays out. “You never callllllll me”, she said. “Mom, I literally just called you to say Happy Mothers Day. And like I’ve been saying for the past 10 months, you can call me anytime”. Well, this spiraled into her screaming at me about how I used to have road rage on the phone when I would call her on my way home and how awful I was (that could be a story in itself but it’s not the point here) so I terminated the call. She gave me the silent treatment for six weeks until she reached out to tell me how hurt she was by how awful I acted. I let her know she could call me anytime. She did not like my response. Two more months passed. And then I got a text yesterday.
“Can you tell me a time where I can call you. I’d love to catch up”, she says. I said, “You can call me anytime. If I don’t answer or I’m busy I will call you back as soon as I can”. And do you know what the response was? From my mother? “I’m feeling a lot of negativity from you so I’ll just let this sit here. If you wanted to talk to me you would”. She still can’t do it. She still can’t call. To be honest, it’s kind of hysterical.
This is the thing. You might read this and say, “Oh why wouldn’t you just give her a time? Just talk to her! She’s your mom for crying out loud”! I’ll tell you why. Because this call has nothing to do with wanting a relationship with me, or wanting to talk to me. Wanting to mend things. It has nothing to do with wanting to call to catch up. This chain of messages for the past year and change is 100% about control over me. She’s just checking in to see if I’m willing to give in just a little. That’s how insidious her abuse is. And then when we got on the call who knows what slight remarks would be made in an effort to start to chip away at me again. With her you never know. All I know is now I’ve hurt her feelings so I’m classified as an enemy. It doesn’t matter that I’ve abandoned myself for years to make her happy. She’s just mad that I’m no longer playing my role that she assigned for me in her life story.
The most freeing thing, as I sit here not responding to the last message. Silence speaks volumes in my mind, and I said all I needed to say, I’ll never play the small, scared child again in her movie.
The Girl Without A Face 