This morning was interesting. I woke up and somehow I felt rested even though the clock only said 5am. I thought, “Wow, I’ll have time to get up, drink some coffee, then go on a nice long walk, shower, and then log into work for the day”. My immediate thought after was a scan of the remnants of how my days used to look. How busy they were. My body’s way of really making sure I had the energy to do all of this so early. The truth is I really do now that I’m not living in survival mode at work. I almost have more time available than I should as I’m ramping up. It feels so foreign, I’m learning to accept it. Why should I be worried when no one else is?
Its interesting to feel the physical effects of this type of stress leave your body. It takes weeks. And if you’ve been living that way for years it can be something that feels unbelievable every time it crosses your mind. There are several times throughout the day, the week, the weekend, where I’m brought back to the feelings I used to feel. Then I remember they are no longer real. I changed my reality, it’s time to let my past go. I’ve found that work is a really good example to use because it’s something that most can relate to, but if I’m being honest I’ve felt this way with so many abusive and toxic people and things in my life. Once I am finally willing to let them go, and I go through the initial process. Once I have 5 days under my belt without them. Then 1 week, then 3. Then 2 months. Then 6. Then a year. Then two. I can look back and see so clearly how letting that thing, job, person, go was so crucial for my growth. When you’re inside of it though, that’s a different story. You find any reason to hold onto it tightly. You play the “What if” game with yourself, and if you notice, it’s never anything positive about the change itself. What if I fail? What if I regret it? What if I miss them? What if it’s the worst decision I’ve ever made?
See the truth is I feel that most, if not all, humans are designed to have a degree of fear towards change. It is uncomfortable. It sometimes feels like falling into a black hole. Into the unknown. Sometimes we hold on so tightly to things that make us miserable because they are familiar. We refuse to even acknowledge that what we allow is what is slowly killing us. We are all individually responsible for the reality were living in. No one else. So what is making you unhappy? Are you willing to let it go and bet on yourself?
The Girl Without A Face 