The Girl Without A Face

The journey back to myself has really been a journey to myself for the first time. I’m still walking there, trying to fully embrace who I am with no judgement. I like to blame others and think that they are judging me, I am making up stories really. It’s none of my business whether or not they are judging me. If they think I’m ugly or fat or I shouldn’t make this choice or wear that. The truth is it’s not about them. It’s about me. It’s about how I feel about myself internally.

There are moments I can remember, small spaces in time, that I felt the freedom to be myself. For a few months when I was 12 I would read and read and read freely. In school and at home without a care of who would see me. But then I received a comment about it and it made me self-conscious. So I abandoned myself. Forgot how much I loved it. When I was a teenager I said yes to everything. I rode on motorcycles laughing in the wind. I got tattoos in the back of garages. I went for rides with a car full of guys. Did donuts in snow filled empty parking lots. Although at the time any chance she got, my mom would tell me how awful I was, I didn’t care. At that time in my life I was the most free I had ever been. But then I became pregnant. And I became so incredibly self-conscious. My skinny perfect body was now stretched. I wasn’t getting the attention I had always received before. All my friends had left. The reality of my life shattering and a new one forming was scary, I began fight or flight and stayed there for over a decade.

When I started healing I realized that there were pieces of myself I wanted to revive. Pieces that died in childhood. Pieces that died from my wild rebellious side. All of these parts were almost like puzzle pieces back to myself. Tapping into them made me feel alive again. What’s coming up for me to release completely for the past few days is my fear of judgement. The thing is not everyone is going to love the authentic me. That’s partly why I’ve become a master at being a chameleon. I am so good at mirroring to ensure the person I am talking to likes me. My need for approval is quite frankly sickening.

So I’ve decided that I need to let go of my need to be the pick me girl. I am who I am and people are going to say terrible things about it. Because I can be rough around the edges, but I can also be incredibly compassionate. I am learning who I am but I am also learning how to be unapologetic. If I make someone uncomfortable I need to understand that’s a problem with them. Really what I am learning is that I need to stop judging myself. I’m now becoming who I’ve always been, I’m just not scared of it anymore because it’s different. I’ll never be the girl with the clean asthetic. With the perfectly white and beige apartment. Matching gym sets. I have to accept the fact that I am unique because of where I’ve been. And that’s ok. Maybe there’s a reason for it. And even if there’s not it’s just a fact I have to accept.