I’ve realized what I’m still working through is my fear of judgement. What is interesting is I’m putting myself in scenarios which will potentially get me judged, and I’m moving forward with them anyways. The feelings in between are interesting. Is this really what I want? Is this the message I want to send? Is this the look I want to have? It makes you very nervous to take that leap because it’s the way you’ll be perceived. Especially with something permanent. And especially if your whole life was spent being judged and critiqued by the person closest to you. Your mother.
I never got reassurance that who I was becoming was ok. When I showed interest in certain things. If they were different than her aesthetic or what she liked there was a certain disgusted face she made. And when I was a teenager I would do things anyways. I remember I got my first tattoo in the back of someone’s garage. I was only 15 so it was definitely illegal, but I felt so liberated. The problem was I still did have to try to hide it from my mom. She wasn’t happy when she found out. As I got older I got more tattoos, the next one on my ribs. My mom told me she normally hates tattoos, but this one she kind of liked. It satisfied me for a time. Then I got my foot done, she hated that one, told me how ugly it was. Then I got my other side. She hated that too. And then I got a few more that were hidden, I stopped telling her I was going to get them because I knew what the response would be. It wasn’t going to be anything positive.
Then right before covid something came over me and I decided to get a small tattoo in a spot that was more visible, right in front of my shoulder. I instantly hated it, and thats never happened to me before with anything. There have been plenty of times with tattoos where I have to get used to them being there for a bit. But then I do, and I’m fine. Completely satisfied. Other times I love them instantly, they were exactly what I had in mind. But this one, this one I hated. I knew I had to get it covered up immediately. So I made an appointment and was going to get a whole shoulder cap, something I knew my mom would seriously hate, but then covid happened. And I started the process of getting it lasered. Which actually took me to every six weeks until now, yesterday, when I randomly got into an appointment with a very well known, very good artist. I knew what I wanted. Leading up to this moment in the recent past, I actually started getting small tattoos on my hands. Now I feel like there’s no turning back. So I booked the appointment and it was like it was meant to be. This artist just moved to my city, I just decided to look at this shops page, I found his work, I emailed the shop, he just so happened to have a cancelation 3 days later. I mean it was one of those things you just couldn’t make up. So I went yesterday. And it took all day, and I mean all day. He even had to drive me to my car when we were done because it’s in a bad part of town and it was then dark outside. I sat for 6 hours, I think the longest I’ve ever gone. Right on the prime spot of my left arm. And his work is just absolutely beautiful. I even woke up this morning and I was like yeah that is absolutely stunning. But there are a few competing thoughts in my head, and I needed to write about them.
First, the price. I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into with that. I guess I should have. Me and my son are going on vacation soon, and it’s not like I didn’t have it, but I’ve never ever ever in my life spent anything close to that on myself at one time. It took me back when he said what it would be. On the way home driving I was having a panic attack about it. It kind of got me thinking about my limiting beliefs about money. If you read along on this blog, you now know that I’m in sales. My money for the first time in my life is not just limited to my annual salary. There’s potential there. Also, there are other things I want to do to produce and make money from. The tattoo artist and I were talking about that as he shared where he came from and where he is now. Maybe what I need to do is acknowledge that I’m no longer struggling as much as I once was. When I was scared about paying rent. I’m ok now for the most part. What if I trained my brain to think of how much better it could get instead of being scared? I want to get to the place where I can treat myself to something I want and not be stunned at the price tag. I wouldn’t be gluttonous about it. I think everyone should be entitled to treat themselves.
The other thing that was coming up is pretty obvious, but oddly for now it’s not as prevalent as the money debacle. It’s the fear of judgement. It is there. It was there before I went to get the tattoo, while I was getting it, afterwards. The problem is I feel like I can sense when a person is judging versus genuinely commenting. So even if someone says they like my tattoo let’s say, their eyes could say something else. And unfortunately I can tell the difference. I just have to learn to not let it bother me. To be completely comfortable in myself.
Even when I started talking to the tattoo artist he said something like, “I come from a family who says things like, well what are you going to do with all those tattoos when you’re old”. And it’s like when I’m old I’m just going to try to survive. I doubt I’m going to be worried about how my tattoo is looking. It’s actually kind of funny seeing a really old person with hand tattoos in my opinion. The point is, why make comments like that? Why are comments like that so commen? Why does his family and my family both make them. He does this for a living and is very successful at it and he still receives judgement for it. I just found that very interesting.
Yesterday as I was getting this huge tattoo, the fear of judgement about the tattoo wasn’t even the biggest problem. It was my weight, my size. Me feeling insecure about how big I was. I’ve been trying to lose weight but it’s just not happening fast enough for me to feel comfortable wearing a spaghetti strap tank top but there I was. There were still so many insecurities there. I know I need to work on me for myself.
After I say all of this, the conclusion I’m making is everything I’m doing I’m doing for myself. I know my mom used to tell me things like, “No one will want to date you if you have tattoos like that”, and honestly it used to make me feel small and scared. And I’ll be honest those thoughts were coming back up last night. But here’s the thing, I’ve been alone for two years. I rarely see my family. I’m rebuilding my life after a complete mental breakdown. I’ve always loved tattoos as a form of self expression, and now I can get them anywhere since I don’t work in an office. So what would be holding me back? Why wouldn’t I allow myself something I want at this point? Because my mother said it? Haha, yeah right. To be fair, that makes me want to do it a little more. I guess I just have to be ok with the fact ill be judged for my choices. And what I can do is send peace to those judging, because if they are judging me something is going on with them inside.
The Girl Without A Face 