I’m a big believer that your dreams can show you, in sometimes a very odd metaphorical way, where you are stuck. Especially if what you are dreaming about is somehow related to something that has been bothering you, or you have been working on healing from. I believe dreams are there to show you your blind spots. But of course they aren’t going to be as clear as a therapist or a friend speaking to you so it is your responsibility to wake up and connect the dots.
I’ve had a few recurring dreams in my life, and when this happens for me, these are not fun dreams. One of them was years ago, I would get in my car, be presented with a fork in the road, always choose the same path, have to try to jump over a break in the road, literally never make it. My car would fall down into a body of water, and then I would drag my car out (this is a dream remember) and start over. Only to repeat the same pattern. Over and over. At the time I didn’t think to look into this more. I was just annoyed with myself and with the dream and wanted it to go away.
Right before and during the initial stages of, I guess we can call it my unraveling here, I had another recurring dream. This one was scary. I bought a house that was unfamiliar and I immediately wanted to leave but I couldn’t. The doors were locked. So I sucked it up, went down to the basement. I found a hidden door, and walked through, and there I found a staircase that hid horrible things and I walked up to explore. It was as if the walls were alive. It was truly terrifying. And then I would wake up.
I say this to say I’ve had other dreams since that were referencing my home. Someone I know just had a dream that involved their childhood home that was very specific. Your home in your dream is where you should feel safe, so if you don’t I guess I’d say that’s a red flag. Or maybe it’s something that could prompt a little digging. Everyone is different. Everyone’s dreams have their own unique meaning.
Last night I had an intense dream that involved my mom. I had friends that were with me in my dream. I was staying with them to get away from her. But she was still popping up. And I was trying to get away, telling my friends to hide me, telling them to tell her I wasn’t there. Feeling that anxiety of her catching me even though I was dreaming. At one point one of them said to me, “Is she really that bad? She seems to care a lot about you. Maybe you should just see what she says”. And soon after that I started to wake up. I don’t have to look up the meaning of this one. I know where it’s coming from. Part of the trauma you go through when living with an emotionally abusive mom is that sometimes other people don’t see it. And they stick up for them. Sometimes you’re made out to be the bad guy when you’re the one being abused. It can be very confusing. Especially as a teenager.
So my conclusion is that dream was showing me that part of what I am holding onto from past is not just how my mom treated me, but also how no one really seemed to notice. Sure, there were people who told me my mom was crazy, or we would laugh and ignore her, but no one looked at me like they understood. Nobody saw me. And what I haven’t really understood until last night, and what I’ll be processing today, is that that’s also part of the trauma. That is part of what keeps me stuck to this day.
I think anyone could start to pay attention to their dreams and grow from them. The vivid ones, the ones that make you feel something. I believe that is just your subconscious mind trying to break free. It’s telling you a story, will you take the time to read?
The Girl Without A Face 