Its funny but every day that I wake up I more and more feel like I’m taking my life back. Almost as if I’m living for the first time in a sense. I don’t have any restrictions. I’m removing all the things that make me feel like shit. The job I hated. The toxic family and friends. I just have no room for it. I feel unstoppable, like a new person. I smile to myself a lot these days because this transformation has been quiet. I know I am writing this on here now, but in a sense I’m still anonymous. I’ve stopped posting on social media. It’s been years since anyone has seen anything from me on Facebook. These moments are just for me. Anything I choose to do its because I want to. I’m not trying to get validation, it’s not because I think someone else will like what I’m doing. I’m just simply becoming who I’ve always wanted to be deep inside, maybe arguably who I’ve always been. I was just too scared. I was constantly judged growing up for the things I loved, and over time I learned to keep them to myself. But that actually turned into consistently abandoning myself for years until I didn’t know who I really was. I just became a sea of masks. I would put on whatever one was needed to please the other person. Never asking myself what I wanted or needed. I was trained to be this way. By my family.
So this afternoon I’m getting another tattoo. And guess what? Tomorrow I’m getting another. My mom would be so pissed. It almost makes the experience better. My teenage me would be so happy that I finally stopped giving a you know what. I’m learning to love my rebellious side. That part of me is a survivor. I feel like im honoring her. I was made to feel bad that that part of me existed for so long. Was praised if I was agreeable, tortured if I stood up for myself. Now as an adult I’m being given the silent treatment by my own mother. I’ve realized how human both my parents are. Really how immature. How I needed to parent both of them when I was just a little girl.
Instead of being scared of the judgement of my family if they see the tattoos I’m getting I’m kind of excited for the possibility of them seeing them. There is no way they wouldn’t say anything, that’s why all of the ones I have gotten thus far are hidden. And I’ve gotten a lot. It’s like the real me is emerging from the dark. I would love for my mother to tell me how disgusting it looks. I’d smile and say, “Well thank God it’s not on your body, huh”? It feels so damn good to finally not care. I’m starting to forgive myself for caring so much for so long.
It feels so good to finally get to know who I am. What I love. Allow myself for it to be different than others. And I can hear the judgement. But finally, finally, after so many years, I just don’t give a fuck.
The Girl Without A Face 