Every Wednesday since I returned to work from my mental breakdown, March 1st, 2021, until three Wednesdays ago I had a weekly meeting with someone on my team who was well known as the most difficult person to work with in our building. Now, obviously prior to my mental breakdown and my leave of absence from work for three months I also met with this person weekly for an additional year. In total, I met with them on a weekly basis for just a few months shy of three years.
I remember our first meeting, I had scheduled “get to know you” sessions for every one of my team members that I would now manage. The one with this person was almost two hours. I learned that their house had burned down in a fire, their dog died as well. I learned about their health problems. I learned of all their misgivings after having spent 20 years in the role. We were still in the office at this time, so I remember one of the other managers sticking their head in and saying they needed me after almost two hours had passed. Once this person left, they said, “Your lucky I saved you, they would’ve kept going on all day like that”.
When covid hit this person was one of the few people who complained about not being able to take office chairs home with them. Quite frankly, it began to frustrate me, I had no compassion left. This person had 20 years experience in the same role, but the bitterness they had seemed to outshadow the knowledge they carried. They were difficult to work with. Point blank. Period. Before I went out, I remember if I only gave this person a half hour of my time during our weekly one on ones, they would claim I was treating them different. That I wasn’t listening to them. Threaten HR. Use words like ageism. So I listened for as long as they would talk, mostly complaining of course.
Then I went out. Had a full mental breakdown, was out of work for three months. Came back. March 1st, 2021. Scheduled everyones weekly one on one’s (per my bosses rules if that cadence seems excessive to you). This person was placed on Wednesday afternoon at 2pm. And so each week I would have to grit my teeth and learn how to tolerate it. At first I didn’t know what to do. I would feel my blood pressure rise as they would complain. Arguing with every solution I would bring. Twisting my words, seemingly looking to fight with me. Getting loud. A couple times I had to terminate the meeting. Surprisingly, when this would happen, they would instantly apologize to me after. It showed me that they honestly couldn’t help it. I was intrigued. I know about trauma and the responses it brings. I wondered what I could learn from this person if I didn’t just look at our meetings as frustrating.
So I started to move my laptop to my jewelry making area during our meetings. We would always meet camera off anyways (Shh don’t tell anybody). I would prep my jewelry, get creative, while also listening and being fully engaged with their stories. Whatever they wanted to discuss I was there to be a participant with them. The conversations evolved to become both work and personal. We even discussed the death of our teammate a bit (this person was friends with them on social media). I started to see they were also compassionate towards me, and let me know they were there for me during that difficult time. They started to open up. Started to share their vulnerabilities, their weight loss journey, insight into their life.
What was even more interesting was that after months of talking I no longer needed to make jewelry anymore while we were meeting. It was no longer the downside to my week, it was something I could look forward to. Something we built. That took time. So much energy. It wasn’t until I almost was ready to leave that I felt this way. Fully engaged in our conversation, not only on the receiving end of non stop complaining. Bullying, really.
I remember my boss telling me that I was a “next level leader” for being able to deal with this person. I guess I disagree. I just had patience. I just started listening. It really wasn’t that difficult. That was all this person needed.
But now, three weeks into this new job, three weeks free of not having this meeting. The obligation to hold space for this person. I can’t help but feel like I can take a deep breathe. That I don’t have to mentally prepare for what is to come at me this afternoon. I feel free to do what I need to do for myself. To not have to give so much to someone else because I feel like I have to. Because of my job title. When so many others with the same title before me never did. This is why I’m not cut out for leadership.
But now my Wednesday afternoons are mine again. I will never be obligated to meet with them again. I wonder if our meetings had any impact? Did they cause any self-reflection? Or will this person treat the new me the same way they did when we first met.
The Girl Without A Face 