There’s a Lorde song where she says the lyric, “…it feels so scary getting old”. And as I age I feel that. Now, I know I’m not really old. I’m 35. I’m not really young either. My 20’s are long gone. Memories of the days, turned into weeks, turned into years. Now all feel like a whirlwind. I wished they moved a bit slower now that I look back. When you talk to people older than you about aging of course they understand, those that are younger than you will say, “Oh cmon, it can’t be that bad”. They can’t really fathom how it feels yet. I can’t blame them, I didn’t either.
The odd part about aging is that of course you become wiser (hopefully) with your experiences, but in your mind you do not feel old. Then sometimes you’ll catch yourself in a mirror or on a zoom call and you’ll be like “Oh God”! It’s not that you see it on your face every day, it’s that every once in awhile you’ll catch the aging on your face. Or it’s in the fact that I just decided to take up running, and I want it so bad. Mentally I want to run a marathon. My knees on the other hand? Or my hip? Yeah, that’s another story. Do I still go, do I push myself? Yes. But now I worry my body can no longer keep up.
There are reasons why I don’t mind aging, it is a privilege that so many don’t get to have. And my 20’s were so hard. Would I really want to do that all over again? Maybe now with the knowledge I have. The problem is that’s not how this works, we only have one shot at this. Life that is. For some reason I don’t feel like people put enough emphasis on that. Or maybe I just learn differently, or need to learn the hard way. Maybe it’s the trauma that put me behind the pack. I’m making up for lost time, just now getting to decide what kind of life I want to create instead of just surviving through it. How many people are still living like that?
I guess in a lot of ways I’m very grateful I woke up to my unhappiness when I did. Realized that healing was needed. I’m learning how to slow down time by being in the moment. Sometimes the days pass slowly. I’m grateful for my boredom. It reminds me that I’m living. Allows me to get curious about what I still need to let go of.
I guess what I’m getting at is that radical acceptance of what is is my goal here. Being gracious with myself that I’ve lived all these years, and that if I’m lucky I’ll get to live more. Instead of being upset at what I’m losing or how I look, focusing on what I gained and what I can do now. Understanding that all I have is this moment, and then the next. Figuring out how to leave the past in the past.
The Girl Without A Face 