The Girl Without A Face

Being a single parent is hard. I’ve had many struggles throughout the years, hell my son will be 16 in a couple months. What I’ve been through is not something I could explain in a blog post. To sum it up simply, his father is an alcoholic. I didn’t quite understand for years, we spent some time in family court for different things. All wasted time because at the end of the day he’s not here. Ever. I am. And I always will be. It’s just him and I. Us against the world it feels like. And I had my son as a teen so it’s almost like we grew up together in a lot of ways. I always joke that I don’t even know what it would be like to be an adult without a kid. But it’s true. And there are plenty of good sides to it don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t change a thing, I feel lucky as hell to be a mom. But sometimes when I put on Tupac’s “Keep Ya Head Up” it gets me like other songs couldn’t. I feel the stress in that song, I know what it feels like to pray everything doesn’t crumble around you. To feel like the world’s on your shoulders for years. To have everything fall back on you, your the only one who can fix anything when it goes wrong. From a household appliance break, to a bill that needs to be paid, to your son being sick, to needing to stay at work late. All in the same week. Maybe even more than that. But you keep going, you always keep going, and the inner strength you find comes from the love you have inside for them – not even yourself. It’s really quite amazing.

I guess I’m saying all this because along with the greatness comes mistakes. I’m not perfect in any way. And this week has been long, and I know I’ll get into a new routine but there are a lot of changes happening. I wanted to log off work and go to the gym and go grocery shopping but I knew my son wanted to watch his show. It’s our time on Fridays, so I was rushing home to him. When it was done I bought our movie tickets for tomorrow, a movie that came out that he actually wants to see with me, but by this point I was exhausted. And it came time to picking seats. And the ones he wanted just didn’t make sense, so I suggested two others but I could tell he was hesitant. So we went back and forth like this for awhile, neither one of us wanting to disappoint the other until I finally had to make the executive decision and chose mine. And I was frustrated. And I went upstairs to say goodnight and I saw he didn’t make his bed, and I said “You know. I don’t ask you to do much. I clean your room, do your laundry. If I ask you to do something, can you just do it for me?” I was frustrated. Every time this happens I’m brought back to how I was treated as a kid. How I was forced to clean for hours no matter how exhausted I was. Without so much as a thank you from my mom. And that was when I was under 10 years old. My mom never watched shows I liked with me, or tried to make me happy. She didn’t know what movies I liked, or if she did she would make a point to criticize them. Yet, no matter what, I still feel like I’m failing him. I walked out of his room and I felt like her. I was left beating myself up for choosing the seats (that I thought would give us a better view) and asking him to make his bed for the second time that day. I woke up today and still feel guilty. To the point where I can’t wait until he wakes up and I can go apologize again to ensure he’s not mad at me.

Now I know what you’re thinking, I must be breeding a spoiled brat. I’m really not. He’s the sweetest and kindest kid you’d ever meet. And unfortunately he will expect this apology from me, and he’ll likely say something like, “We’re still on this?” To let me know its ok. That he’s not mad at me. That he still loves me even though I told him to do something. That he still loves me even though I may have been annoyed while picking seats.

I know this seems trivial, but being a mother is excruciating. It is also beautiful. I thought this would be a good example of the struggle. That last night, after my first week of work at a new job, if I just had a couple hours where I didn’t have to worry about doing something for someone else I would’ve been good. But it’s all I know. And I’m doing the best I can. And at the end of the day my love for him is the reason I keep going.