This week has been a bit of a whirlwind, but in the best possible way. Anytime you start a new job there will no doubt be things you have to learn, systems, people, etc. But I am so grateful for the difficulties in my past jobs that have catapulted me to this point. Because now although everything is new, and of course I have questions, and I am in training, everything feels easy. I am of course walking into the unknown, but with the background that I have, I have no doubt I will be successful. That I can manage this easily. Because I stepped away from something so crushing. where they were piling more and more on my plate, and now into something where the weight was lifted completely. I’m the one who’s asking the questions. A shift of energy.
This morning as I was getting ready I was thinking about all of the things I experienced in my last role, the moments that were so shocking they stayed with you for awhile. I thought about what I would say or how I would feel if someone asked me what my last job was like, it’s not something that could easily be summed up in words. It’s something you have to experience side by side with me to fully understand. Chaos is the perfect word to describe the day to day I was living in. Not just because of the pandemic, but it was the state of the business. And I know I’m only 4 days in but how calming to feel clean and organized. How peaceful to not have constant pings. To not come back from a break and have 10 people waiting for a response from you. To not have 12 standing weekly meetings and then additional that vary each week as well, to not have so many people that constantly need your help.
And as I write this the word failure scrolls across my head, in big letters, taunting me as if I gave up on them. My team, my responsibilities, taking a step back. Doing what was best for me. Individually contributing while also making the same amount of money. It almost feels like robbery. But I know that my last company was working me to the bone, for as little as possible. I was left with little to no value. How I knew they valued me was they kept piling work on my plate and didn’t reprimand me. I’m proud of myself for finding my own value. I’m finally choosing me. I didn’t care if there were consequences for anyone else. Why would I? All this time no one ever cared about my feelings.
The Girl Without A Face 