I’ve been thinking about this one moment today, the one pivotal moment, that shook me awake from my slumber and had me feverishly looking for jobs. Like I suddenly realized, oh shit, this is what abuse looks like. There were a million little things leading up to that moment, but this one in particular triggered something in me that felt familiar. I knew what I was relating it back to, and I knew that when I felt what I felt back then it was time to leave one of my multiple abusive relationships.
Relationships can be abusive in many different ways. The one I’m referring to in this example was great in certain ways (i.e. they made me laugh) but terrible in others (i.e. they were addicted to drugs and would cheat on me then lie about it and punch holes in closet doors). The thing that got me to stick it out for two years was the hope that it would change. The fact that I loved his family and we became intertwined. The fact that they welcomed me AND my son, no questions asked. And obviously, as I already said, the fact he could make me laugh.
But I’ll never forget this one day, he was being unreasonable like usual, stomping around, and he said to me, “What are you gonna do, you have to deal with it”. And in that moment something snapped me awake. I don’t have to deal with anything, after that statement there was no turning back. It may have felt sudden and rash to him, in fact I broke up with him and he moved across the country literally to never be seen again, but that was it for me. Him telling me I didn’t have a choice in the matter, that I HAD to deal with whatever behavior he was throwing at me. The fuck I do!
So anyways, I was obviously still in my old job, and many things happened in quick succession that were just unreasonable. But hey, I was willing to deal with it. Then this one thing was piled on me, and inside I was enraged. It was quite literally a worst case scenario, and I was trying to provide suggestions to those above me. Now I’m not one to complain, but this one thing crossed the line for me. I was setting a boundary. And what is sticking in my head, my bosses boss replied back in a way that resurfaced the feeling of “Now you can’t leave”. Essentially what he said to me is this is how it is. Figure it out and I don’t want to hear about it. He proceeded to email my peers and in so many words used what I did (stand up to him) as an example of what not to do. There were little things said for days to try to bring me down just from me standing my ground. From me trying to say, “Hey, I don’t agree with the decisions you’re making and this is not going to work for me in this way. I need help”. I knew better, you can’t question, only smile and nod. But over and over lines were being crossed. Enough was enough.
So what is interesting to me is that even though these scenarios are so completely different they evoke the same emotion. An abusive person trying to tell me that I have no control over my own decisions. And in both cases the result was for me to say fuck it. And walk away.
The Girl Without A Face 