The Girl Without A Face

As I open my eyes each morning, it’s like a computer that’s been turned off for hours that is suddenly rebooting. Except this time with new programs, new thoughts, new ideas. I never know when I open my eyes each morning what will come through.

Its very difficult to explain, and I’m not sure if this is just normal for everyone. Maybe everyone’s brain works like this and I’m just late to the discovery. I realized that while living in survival mode or having an addiction it prevented me from allowing myself the ability to let myself naturally function. I just never knew how I really worked. Or who I was for that matter. I never stopped to consider it all this time, it never crossed my mind. Like I wasn’t even a person, just a shell who had endless responsibilities all the time.

So now that my son is older and I don’t have that constant gnawing sense of responsibility and guilt, coupled with the fact that I’ve been working from home for two years (no matter how stressful the position is being home will always be more relaxed than the office) I’ve slowly gotten myself out of survival mode. And one of the things I’ve learned is that my brain is constantly working, like a reflex, without me even trying. Just processing information, having big “What if” thoughts, writing poems on its own, remembering dreams from the night before. The list goes on and on. When I wake up naturally without an alarm, that’s how I know I am awake, I have a million thoughts running through my head that I sift through while I’m lying in bed.

Wouldn’t it be interesting if we talked about how we thought in school? That we acknowledged that everyone’s mind is different, but maybe we could find similarities too? Then maybe I would know that I wasn’t alone with the need to constantly feed my brain while I’m awake to keep it tame. Maybe someone else would want to get to know me because they were intrigued by the way that I think.

Instead we all live on the surface, and we bury these differences to try to fit in with the pack. Maybe we could really change the world if we brought our uniqueness back.