As I was waking up this morning, now Friday already, I first realized how fast time really does go by. Time waits for no one, you were right Grammy. Just three days now until the new job begins so I really want to be productive today, yesterday I was not. I already got an email from my new boss, and I am actually looking forward to Monday for once.
So as I crawled out of bed to get the day going I started to think about my age again, which I’ve been doing quite often. I know that 35 is not necessarily old by society standards, but it’s also not young either. It’s kind of the age where you are established, where you you’ve officially reached adulthood I would say. Maybe even before 35, but you get what I mean, it just feels like a pretty significant number. I mean for God’s sake I’m almost 40.
And the funny thing is I don’t feel 35 at all, I feel like I’m maybe in my 20s just starting out. Even though I have a 16 year old son, had a 15 year career, bought a house, my parents are well into their 70’s. I feel stunted. And I just wonder if that feeling will ever go away. Now that I’m healing with I be able to grow up normally? I’ve been reflecting back on what I learned from childhood. How to survive I guess? I just assumed everyone went through similar experiences that I had. Even though as I was parenting I was trying desperately to do the opposite.
I guess over the past couple of days I’ve been thinking about how much easier life would be if someone would’ve taught me how to properly clean. Or meals to cook. Or tips on how to save money. What works and what doesn’t as an adult. I remember after my parents divorce when I was 12, my dad spent his days at the bar after he was disabled from his job on the fire department. Too busy to pick me up from school. But my mom, she would tell me how worthless I was. That I wouldn’t graduate from high school. I’d become nothing. And my whole goal was to prove her wrong. I just didn’t realize that’s what fueled me my whole life until now. So it’s as if I’m learning who I am for the first time.
So even though I’m in a woman’s body, an individual who has had woman experiences, a woman’s life. In reality I’m just a girl who finally now after all this time gets to grow up.
The Girl Without A Face 