I’ve never claimed to be perfect, and I’m certainly not for everyone. I try my best to be as kind as possible but I also have a don’t fuck with me edge. I guess you could say it’s a survival technique that I’ve learned along the way. To ensure I wouldn’t get fucked with. Something I built through experience.
A fight response was not something that came naturally to me. I grew up in a volatile house full of screaming, and I was the youngest. So I tried best to keep the peace. I tried to make everyone happy constantly, tried to be as small and sweet as possible. I remember being small, and going out to play with friends. If I had a toy someone wanted I would give it to them, no questions asked. And I would come home extremely sad. Obviously my mom upset with me, “Why would you give your toys away”? She’d ask. The truth is I needed to make them happy, it wasn’t a want. It was more important to me than me being happy myself.
And so lately I have been thinking a lot, about how as a full grown adult, I’m a walking contradiction. That I’m still learning so much about myself. It’s like I never knew who I was, like I wasn’t even a person. I love the comfort of a routine, but I also love not knowing where a day will take me. I want to accommodate people’s needs (as to not be a bother), but I also want to be seen. To be understood. I love creating lists and accomplishing every thing on it, I also love to take it easy on myself and relax. I love to dream, I’m also very realistic.
I wonder if I’m a little bit of everything because for so long I felt like nothing at all. It’s so hard to describe but it’s like everything feels new once you’re living for more than just survival. It was excruciating to get to this place, I remember psychically begging to be taken away. Silently screaming while feeling the pain I had always run away from.
And now I’m here. Becoming whoever I want to be. All the criticizing voices now taking a back seat. And I do want to stay now that I’ve removed all the pain. Keeping only the things that I love. Now all that I have room for as I walk forward, breaking the chains of my past.
The Girl Without A Face 