The Girl Without A Face

Over the course of the past week or so I’ve allowed myself to indulge. To celebrate. To treat myself. And it feels really good. I’ve gone shopping, replaced things that hadn’t been replaced in years, spruced up the house, even got two hand tattoos. I’ve made it a consistent routine in the past couple weeks to get back to the gym. I’ve been dreaming about the new life I’m creating. I’m allowing myself to feel what it would feel like to be happy again. Or maybe for the first time, genuinely. Now healed from the past (well, still healing). The toxicity being removed, now living for me, unapologetically.

But as I was doing this, over the past couple days there was a theme popping up that didn’t go unnoticed. And if you’ve been reading along you’d see that I’m leaving a 15 year career on Monday officially. I have a week off before starting the new job, less responsibility, very similar money – which is a huge, huge blessing. But this morning I saw that one of the companies I applied to during my search was experiencing lay offs. I felt that constriction again in my chest. Slightly. Just for a moment. But I went about my day and enjoyed it, my plan to move forward already in place. But then I got home and I opened my phone again, and I saw that someone from a similar company, same job duties as me, was just laid off as well. Yikes. Two in one day. So now of course my mind starts spiraling a bit – I mean, bad things do come in threes. Who’s next? Is it me? Will I be first to go at this new company? Because I’m leaving a place where I had loyalty, it feels vulnerable. Like I’m now all of a sudden out in the world with no protection. That this company I left would have held the promises its made all these years and never betray me, but now I’m the one to leave. The promise they made was that they would always keep me, but it was a blessing and a curse. I felt so trapped I couldn’t breathe, and now that I’m free will I be better off or will it be worse?

I know my mind has played these games before, in fact I’m fairly certain I’ve written something similar not too long ago. The truth is I just won’t know what will happen until it does. I had to write this out so I could let it go. Let the universe do what it does. I have to release control, really that’s my problem. I want to make sure that I’m left with the optimum outcome. I sometimes feel that I always choose the hard way, the wrong way, that I’m prone to choosing difficulty. I chalk it up to my upbringing. I go left when everyone else goes right. Somehow I think one day that’s going to lead me into uncovering some fantastic unknown secret to life. I suppose only time will tell if I am right.