I woke up this morning after another interesting night. Let’s just say my mind was racing but I took action to calm it down. I know enough to know what to do to soothe myself, which honestly makes me proud. To see that I’ve made progress in this way. I used to let myself writhe in pain, suffer, not do anything to take it away. To help myself feel better. I don’t know why, I don’t know what it was. I chalked it up to masochistic ways and moved on.
So I woke up this morning actually feeling rested, and I logged in just to tell them I wouldn’t be on and immediately logged off. 79 emails, I guess not terrible for one day. They won’t be answered anyways. And I start to really think about the reality of what I’m secretly preparing for, the possible whispers that are rolling through the office now. The wave of chaos I’m causing.
That’s another thing about me, I hate to draw attention. But I guess recently I’ve decided that I won’t live one more second living small. That if my presence makes an impression its their problem if it makes them uncomfortable. No one could be thinking about me or talking about me, or everyone could. People could love me or hate me either way I’d welcome them with open arms. With the same attitude. No one can effect who I am, I am me from within. It doesn’t matter if they like it. As I like to say, “it is what it is”.
So I try to wash away the feelings of guilt knowing that I’m going to resign come Monday. Even though I emailed, my boss just texted. Told me they hoped I feel better. And you know what I am going through something, I am working through a loss. I wouldn’t be able to work today, so it really is nothing personal. The thing is I’m doing the best thing for me. I’m living boldly. I’m making this move for myself. I’m not considering how it will effect everyone else and then holding back.
When I started this blog I didn’t realize I would be taking you all on this journey with me. Through the death of my 15 year career, the process to feel through how it feels to let it go, how it will feel to start something new. And then, glimpses into the past of what brought me here. As they come up, there’s just so much.
But after I sent my email, I logged off. Got coffee, looked outside at the trees. I realized I was living my life boldly just for me. And sometimes when you realize you are making a huge leap you feel a constriction in your chest, it almost takes your breath away. Am I making the right choice? Will I fail? Will I regret leaving? What if. What if. What if. But I’m betting on myself, to figure it out. I’m betting on my future, betting that it’s headed somewhere amazing. And I know the last thing I want is to look back at my life and regret that I stayed somewhere I hated just because I was comfortable.
The Girl Without A Face 