Over the course of the past two years I’ve learned that triggers are blessings. They allow you to observe, question, get curious about the why’s and the what’s and the who’s in your own personal game of clue you play during healing. So, I’ll have to admit that I was slightly triggered recently by a comment. And I want to preface this by saying I am grateful for it, that I know this person meant no harm by it at all. They could have the best of intentions, just wanted to help. Coming from their perspective they would be shocked by the way I felt.
This comment was about how I should approach my healing, opening up to people, that writing this here and now was good and all but I should be more open in the real world. And you see, vulnerability, true authentic vulnerability, is difficult for me. I am the girl without a face after all.
The other thing is I am very well aware of surroundings. Of how people are feeling at any given moment, if they are anxious, if they are sick of my story. If they are consumed by something that happened to them during the day. If they are in the mood to be lighthearted, if they need me to be listening. And it is much easier for me to be on the defense to these things, maybe thats why I was drawn to leadership. I can anticipate people’s needs. What I am not good at is knowing what is good for me, knowing when I need to rest, knowing how to take care of myself, simply knowing what I like, who I want to be. The contradiction in all of this is that I also greatly dislike being misunderstood, which is why I’m even writing this at all.
So what I’ve learned as I’ve contemplated this is that what I really feel is that it is lonely to know that healing from my trauma is a journey I need to take alone. It is not the responsibility of a friend, it isn’t even the responsibility of a therapist. It is strictly my own. And I’ve also learned that sometimes you’re going to be misunderstood. And that’s ok. You’re also going to be disliked, maybe even hated if you’re doing it right. And that’s really at the end of the day why I was scared to put myself out there. I didn’t want to offend anyone, I didn’t want to be judged. But I’m sick of staying silent in my tiny little box. The day after my birthday I started this blog. The name randomly came to me, I just started writing, and even in the bio you can see I’m doing it for me. It’s my way of slowly opening the door to vulnerability.
So I appreciate anyone that has read along. Every single like or comment I get makes me feel not alone. Makes me feel like there are others out there that understand this wild mind. If you would do things differently, I completely understand. Every single one of our experiences make us who we are. We’re all just walking alone together down this path we call life.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read about mine.
The Girl Without A Face 